The lost art of listening

Think about the last time someone really listened to you. Not nodding while checking their phone, not waiting for a gap to tell their own story, but actually listening. It probably stood out, because it doesn't happen often.

Good listening is a skill, and like any skill it can be practised.

Put the phone away

Not face down on the table. Away. Having it in sight tells the other person they might be interrupted at any moment, and it splits your own attention more than you realise.

Resist the urge to fix

When someone shares a problem, our first instinct is often to solve it. Sometimes that's welcome. Often, people just want to be heard first. If you're not sure, ask: "Do you want ideas, or do you want me to just listen?"

Ask one more question

When someone tells you something, follow up before you respond with your own experience. "What happened next?" or "How did that feel?" shows you were paying attention and invites them to go deeper.

Don't top their story

You had a worse flight, a bigger fight with your boss, a more stubborn teenager. Save it. Matching or beating someone's story shifts the spotlight to you.

Sum it up

Every so often, repeat back what you heard in your own words. "So it sounds like the real problem is the timing, not the cost." People feel understood when they hear their own thoughts reflected clearly, and it catches misunderstandings early.

Get comfortable with pauses

A moment of silence isn't a failure. People often say the most important thing after a pause, once they've had a second to think.

Listening well costs nothing. It may be the most generous thing you can offer the people around you.